Through Rain or Shine, Sleet or Hail
by pocketfulofmumbles
Summary: We will deliver your... husband? Feliks forces Tino to sign up on a dating site to jump start his love life, but Tino doesn't think anything will come of it. How very wrong he is. AU. Present for PianoIsLove. Excessive silliness within.
1. Delivery

**A/N**: Hello! I haven't forgotten about Let Me In, I promise. I'm just a bit stuck on it right now and when this little intro popped into my head the other day, I just had to write it down. It will be multiple chapters, of course, but not nearly as long or complex as the other one.

Meant to be a gift fic for PianoIsLove, who requested it from me months ago. I tried to get as many of her favourite pairings in here as possible, but SuFin will be the primary one because it is my OTP and it seems I can't write non-angsty RusFin. Anyway, I hope you like it, Sierra! :)

**Pairings (so far as I have planned)**: SuFin, RusFin, DenFin (Jeez, Tino, you whore!), DenNor, DenSu (oh god, what have I done), and LietPol. And Estonia, because Estonia is a button.

**Warnings**: This is incurably silly and probably very trite. Also: swearing and mildly sexual stuff.

**oooooo**

"Tino, you like, totally need to get yourself a new boyfriend!"

Tino sighed and swirled the whipped cream on his hot chocolate around with his spoon. "I told you before, Feliks, I don't want a new boyfriend... I'm fine by myself."

Feliks snorted in disbelief, spraying latte foam all over Eduard's glasses in the process, much to Eduard's annoyance. "Pfft, yeah right. You've checked out every single guy that's passed the cafe. Admit it, Tino, you haven't gotten any in, like, a year, and you totally want some!"

"Feliks! Could you _please_ keep your voice down? No one in the room needs to know the intimate details of my nonexistent sex life!" Despite the defiance in his words, Tino's cheeks were flushed and there was a hint of bitterness in his voice. Feliks just smirked at him, his eyes far too knowing.

"You could always try a dating site, Tino." Eduard said, typing away on his laptop.

Feliks slammed his drink down on the table, a determined grin plastered all over his face. Tino got the sudden urge to punch that devious look out of the Pole's eyes, but he resisted it. "Like, so perfect! You should totally do it, like, now!"

Tino grumbled something inaudible into his hot chocolate and glared at Feliks from across the table.

Eduard smiled sympathetically, patting his friend on the back. "It's very easy to set up an account, and if it doesn't work out then it's much easier to break it off. If you find someone from another province or country, you'll never have to endure the awkwardness of meeting them at work like with Mathias."

Tino still felt resistant to the idea, especially with the way Feliks's eyes were sparkling with glee, but when Eduard put it like that... maybe it wouldn't be that bad. Anything to leave his misbegotten role in the hay with Mathias as far behind him as possible.

"Well..."

"Yes!" Feliks jumped from his chair, smile victorious. "I knew you'd do it! Liet totally owes me ten bucks."

Tino growled at his Polish friend's elation and yanked the laptop away from Eduard. The Estonian didn't object, hiding his smile behind his hand.

"Let's just get this over with..."

oooooo

Three weeks later, Tino had completely forgotten about the afternoon at the cafe. Feliks had insisted on choosing the site for him, and had found "Husbands International", a penpal and dating site. Tino had wanted something more local, but Feliks objected to this, saying that except for him and Liet, nobody in the small town they lived in was worth the trouble. Plus, wouldn't it be, like, totally cool to talk to some sexy Spaniards or something? Tino had sighed heavily and gave up without a fight.

And so his profile, complete with a picture and short description, sat neglected for almost a month, amassing only a smattering of pageviews. Over time the possibilities offered by those few pageviews slipped from Tino's mind, and he refocused on work and avoiding Mathias and Sigurd whenever necessary, which was infuriatingly often.

It was on the last day of May, only two weeks before the company he worked for had its two week summer "vacation", that the stupid agreement with Feliks came back to haunt him.

It was six in the evening on a Friday, and Tino was exhausted. The seconds at work had seemed like hours, and it was as if Mathias was waiting for him around every corner.

Tino flopped down onto his couch with a grateful sigh, determined to numb his anxiety with stupid television and as many microwavable trays of mac and cheese as possible. He was just taking his first bites, Queer Eye For the Straight Guy turned up full blast, when the doorbell rang. Groaning, he sat up, stalked to the door, and opened it, ready to be surly with whichever of his friends had decided to come bother him at such an hour, but the words died on his lips.

The man standing there towered over him, at least a head taller, if not more. He wore modest clothing, but his t-shirt was not quite loose enough to hide the muscular build of his broad chest. The eyes Tino raised his own to made him shiver with their intense colour and terrifying expression, cold blue-green half hidden by square-rimmed glasses. Short, toussled, white-blonde hair framed his sharp-featured face. He was no one Tino knew, but as the Finn continued to stare unabashedly at his mysterious visitor, he started to wish he did. He was scary and huge, whoever he was, but _damn_ was he hot.

"Uh... yes?" Tino finally managed to stutter, shaking himself from his daze.

The man just stared at him. Tino shrunk back.

"W-what can I do for you, sir?"

Silence. The stranger's eyes fixed on his face and narrowed, as if he was trying minutely examine every bump, hair, and pore. Tino felt like he was and quaked in his socks.

Finally, at long last, the man spoke. "Y'r... T'no V'namöin'n?" He had a bizarre, truncated way of speaking, made even more indecipherable by a very thick accent. Something Scandinavian, Tino decided, and he smiled slightly. Maybe they had something in common.

"Yes, that's me. And uh... you?"

"B'rwald 'xensti'rna."

Yes, definitely Scandinavian. Probably Swedish. Tino smiled. "Well, it's nice to meet you, but... I don't mean to sound rude, but what do you want?"

The man looked at him with an expression Tino assumed was confusion- Berwald Oxenstierna's face didn't seem to be very mobile- and shuffled his feet.

"Thought y'd b' 'xpectin' me."

"Er... sorry, but no..."

Berwald's brows knit together. If Tino hadn't been so confused himself, he might have found it adorable. Silently, the taller man reached into a pocket and pulled out a worn piece of paper, handing it to Tino. It was a print out of his profile on that stupid dating site. Tino felt his blood run cold as he looked back up at the towering Swede.

"Site said yer m'new wife."

_...Perkele_.

**oooooo**

PFFHAHAHA WHY AM I WRITING THIS. Because PianoIsLove is an evil, enabling genius, that's why. You have my most sincere apologies for this silliness. XD

Oh, also, for people who don't know, the title is taken from the unofficial United States Postal Service motto: "Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds" but is often misquoted as "Through rain or shine, sleet or hail, we will deliver your mail." Source: Wikipedia, because I fail at reliable sources.


	2. Return To Sender?

**A/N**: This fic idea has eaten my brain. Thank you, Sierra, for giving me inspiration again!

**Various and Sundry Disclaimers and Warnings**: Choice words, Tino being an angry Finn, Hetalia doesn't belong to me.

**oooooo**

Tino stood motionless in the doorway, shocked into inaction. After more than half a minute, the awkwardness was becoming too much and Berwald cleared his throat. This seemed to snap the other man out of his daze and, remembering his manners, he invited the Swede inside. As the man passed him, Tino noticed for the first time that he was carrying two bulging suitcases. This situation was even more fucked up than he had previously supposed, then. He knew exactly who to blame.

Ushering Berwald onto the living room couch, he excused himself.

"I'm sure there's been some... mistake. I need to make a phone call."

Berwald nodded and sat down, eyes focusing on the still blaring TV. Tino ran to the kitchen and grabbed his cell phone. There was no way that Feliks wasn't involved in this insanity somehow. Disregarding the lateness of the hour, Tino punched in the number.

The voice that greeted him was muffled and sleepy; Feliks had obviously been sleeping. Tino found that he didn't care.

"Feliks. A terrifying Swedish man who I have never met before in my entire life has shown up at my door claiming to be my husband. _What did you do?_"

To Tino's fury, Feliks only laughed. "You should totally, like, be thanking me, Tino. I did you a big favour!"

"What... did... you... DO?"

"Well, I saw that you were like, totally neglecting your page on that dating site, so I thought I'd give it a little help."

Tino gripped the phone hard enough to crack the screen. His voice was shaking with controlled rage. "And?"

"Like, just replied to some messages. I totally don't know why your so pissy about th-"

"ARE YOU INSANE? Feliks, he has _suitcases_ with him! He looks like he uprooted his entire life to come here! And how the hell did you even get my password?"

"Oh, come on, Tino. Everyone knows you use 'moomin' for everything... and anyway, I totally picked the hottest guy for you. You'll thank me eventually."

Tino's eye twitched, and for a moment he considered dusting off his grandfather's Suomi KP/-31, climbing a building, and staking out the door of Feliks' apartment. "You know what? I'm calling Eduard. He's not a crazy person." And then he hung up.

oooooo

While Tino argued with Feliks, Berwald sat listening in the living room. It was obvious from the conversation that he had been tricked. Tino had not been expecting him, judging by his shock and the way he was yelling at whoever was on the other line, and was not at all the person Berwald had gotten to know over the last month. Whoever this crazy, screaming Finn was, he was not at all the sweet, funny Tino he had left Sweden for. No. That was someone else entirely. He felt his heart sink as the slam of the phone onto the table sounded from the adjacent room.

Tino chose this moment to come back into the room, face flushed and brow furrowed. "I am so, _so _sorry about all this, Mr. Oxenstierna. It seems that my... _friend_..." He said this word with gritted teeth. "...decided to impersonate me online. If I didn't understand that he doesn't know better, I would probably drag his ass down to the police station."

Berwald twiddled his thumbs and stared at his feet. "S'fine. Can g'back t'the airport."

"Th-that would probably be best, yes..." Tino said, his voice less sharp than before, almost doubtful. Berwald looked up and saw lines of anxiety had replaced the anger. "Except..."

Berwald just stared at him. Flinching slightly, Tino continued.

"It's just... it really looks like you came such a long way. Where are you from?" He asked, running a hand through his hair and staring guiltily at the man sitting on his couch.

"St'ckh'lm."

"Stockholm as in _Sweden_?" Berwald nodded. Tino visibly deflated. "Perkele, this is so messed up..."

Berwald could only agree and nodded again, standing as he did so and picking up his baggage. He knew he had to leave before the disappointment and awkwardness became too much to handle.

" 'll b'goin' then." He mumbled before heading to the door.

"N-no! Wait! Uh..." Berwald stopped and turned his intense gaze to the man fidgeting in the center of the living room. The words that poured from his mouth were babbling and frantic, "You could... you should at least rest from your flight! I mean, you're probably really tired from the jet lag and everything. And it is partially my fault for agreeing to sign up for that silly service in the first place and for having such a predictable password and... and I don't really mind if you stay for a day or two, just so you have time to work out your business before you go back home..." He trailed off.

If Berwald hadn't known better, he would have said there was a tiny hint of hope in the little Finn's voice. And even though he did know better- that Tino couldn't possibly want him there, that the situation was awkward and that he was being absurdly intrusive- his own crushed hope couldn't help but latch on to that little flash of sweetness like a baby to its mother's breast. It was this that caused him to nod, to set his bags down on the floor of the hallway, and to silently follow Tino to the spare room he would be sleeping in for the night.

**oooooo**

A single fact note: The Suomi KP/-31 was a Finnish submachine gun used during World War II and the Winter War. They are apparently awesome for sniping, and the Russians tried to copy it but failed miserably. The most badass part of that? _The machine gun was inwented in Russia. _Finland wins at everything.

This is kind of turning out to be a reversal of the first few chapters of Let Me In... Oh how very formulaic and predictable I am. Instead of Tino being stranded, it's Berwald. And Russia is going to appear soon too and be a creeper. The only difference is that unfortunately there won't be quite so many car chases or concussions. XD

Hope you enjoyed and thanks for reading! DFTBA.


End file.
